We all know that children struggle to regulate emotions. They’re young and trying to navigate big feelings. Fortunately, they have adults who can guide them through these tough situations by filling their love cup and teaching them how to handle those frustrating moments.
I often talk about “filling the love cup.” It’s a phrase that came from my mom, who used it when I was a kid. She would ask us if we needed our love cups filled up. I’ll admit I sometimes thought it was weird but deep down it did make me feel loved. The fact that she was asking, often accompanying it with a hug, meant she cared.
As an adult, I also realize that she likely was seeing something I wasn’t as a child. She saw that I was maybe a little bit upset by something or just not quite myself.
As a mom, I see its usefulness even more. It’s a good analogy to use when talking about our needs, especially with our children. Helping them regulate emotions means helping them understand what they are feeling and what to do about it. An empty love cup is a good way to visualize this feeling.
How Does a Love Cup Help Regulate Emotions?
What does it mean to fill a love cup? A love cup is not a literal cup that we carry around. It’s a way to describe to children how they feel (frustrated/upset/sad) and what they need to feel better (love/attention/comfort). If their cups are feeling empty, they need them filled up but with something that is going to make them feel better.
Explaining emotions to toddlers and young children is difficult so this is a good way to help them understand. Asking them if they feel empty and need refilled puts a tangible example to an emotion they can’t see.
If they understand the feeling of needing something, they can start to understand what they will need to feel better.
It is essential for their emotional development, as well as your sanity, to help them navigate their emotions. Believe it or not but kids are better behaved once their love cups are filled up! Just like adults, when a child feels validated they are better at managing their emotions.
Not to mention the joy they feel when they are secure in the knowledge that their family loves them (check out my blog post “Joy-Filled Kids” for more on that).
When Emotional Outbursts Happen
Of course, there are times when their love cups start to feel empty. This can happen from a negative interaction with someone, like disagreeing with a friend. Or it simply can be because they are low on sleep and need a little extra attention to help through that tired feeling.
This can lead to difficult behaviours that sometimes are kids’ way of seeking attention to fill that emptiness. As adults, we know this is the wrong way to fill their love cup because it typically ends up being self-destructive. I am sure you are familiar with how it looks.
When kids need something but don’t know what it is, they tend to express it in less than effective ways. Outbursts, meltdowns and tantrums are common responses. It can be frustrating as an adult trying to manage these emotional outbursts.
On the flip side, you probably have seen how well-behaved your children can be after they’ve had their cups poured into! It’s much easier for children to regulate emotions if they feel secure in the love that their family has for them.
If you sit down with your child for a few minutes and engage with them, they often are more independent after that. I find this with my boys. If there is something I need to do, like make a meal, I’ll spend 10-15 minutes beforehand playing or reading with them and I typically will get 15-20 minutes of independent play time after that.
Spend Time with Your Child
Children need to be given attention, positive attention, to best regulate emotions. They need to know that regardless of what they do, they will be loved. We can’t withhold this love from them just because they are having tantrums. Our Heavenly Father doesn’t withhold His love from us when we have bad days.
So we need to spend time with them so they can feel that love from us. Just as adults we spend time with God to help regulate us!
I find if my boys are having “one of those days,” when they’re easily frustrated, have tantrums or seem prone to injury this is when they need their love cups filled the most. I start by calming them down (if something has happened) and then follow their lead. I look for his cues to see how they need their cups filled up.
Sometimes they’re just hungry and they need to be filled up with a snack. Sometimes they need a good long hug or snuggle. Sometimes they need some quiet time with me and a book. And sometimes they simply need to feel acknowledged and redirected to a different activity.
The point is that their love cup has been filled in a positive way. Kind words are like honey to the soul (Proverbs 16:24).
Too Good to Be True?
It sounds too easy right? Well raising kids isn’t rocket science. If it was there would be instruction manuals and fuel gauges. Unfortunately there is no “one size fits all” plan for parenting but there are some basic things, like filling a love cup, that will make a difference in helping them regulate emotions.
Of course, not every day is going to be sunshine and lavender but this may help turn some difficult situations around. It’s also a good time to have a conversation with your child about how they were feeling and what made them feel better. Remind them if they feel this way, they can ask for their love cups to be filled up again.
It’s also good to talk about how God will fill them with love if they feel low. Praying and talking with Him will make them feel better!
How Do I Make This Work Everyday?
Of course, you can’t drop everything you’re doing at any given moment to fill a love cup. If you’re at the grocery store you can’t cuddle in the produce aisle because your child is mad about something. This is where your firm but comforting words come in.
Validate your child’s feelings (it’s okay to be upset about ____) and explain why the behaviour isn’t acceptable (we can’t yell/scream/run in the store) then redirect them to something else (can you help me find _____, can you hold my ______).
And when you have multiple children who need attention, filling love cups becomes a time issue. Do the best you can, enlist the help of your spouse, grandparents, aunts, uncles etc. Or find an activity they all enjoy so you can do it with them.
Be sure to take a few minutes to talk or read one-on-one, look into their eyes and let them know you will always be there to fill their love cups. Remember your love isn’t divided, it’s multiplied!
You Don’t Have to Be Perfect to Fill a Cup
I’ve said this many times before and I will say it again. As a parent, we don’t have to be perfect. As a mom, we don’t have to be perfect. We just have to be there. And remember that sometimes it is a love cup that needs filled changes our perspective and ultimately how we react.
Kids have huge emotions that they can’t regulate on their own. Understanding that their cups are running low and how to be filled again helps them as they manage those difficult feelings.
So the next time your toddler has a tantrum your child comes home from school defeated, or your spouse walks in the door frustrated, consider their love cups. Are they getting dry? Are they needing something and they don’t know how to ask for it? Listen to them, validate them and hug them. Give them that time and attention they are so desperately seeking. It’ll fill their cups, help them regulate emotions and let them move forward with their day. The best part is, it’ll fill your love cup too ❤️
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