Kids have good days and bad days. Some days are more trying that others but how do you deal with defiant behaviour from your child? What are some verses that can be used to de-escalate a situation and help children learn to honour their father and mother?

When my son was a threenager, he liked to test boundaries. Now that he’s a fournager, he has better language skills and can be downright defiant when asked to do something. It’s normal, and it is part of growing up but it is incredibly frustrating!

Our biggest issue is when it is time to clean up toys.

No one likes cleaning up and my son is very good at it, but he’s starting to get into the “no, I don’t want to” habit, which is infuriating. He also hates it when I pull the “honour your father and your mother” Bible verse out. He crosses his arms and make angry faces at me. I know that’s his way of saying he knows I’m right but still doesn’t want to listen so I’ve started using other verses to help him understand why he needs to do what we say.

Speak Love to Your Children First

Always fill your children’s love cups before “demanding” something of them. For young kids (and older kids) this means giving them a time limit or amount limit they have left before they need to do the task you are asking of them. It can be 4 minutes or 4 more pushes on the swing, but give them that warning and remind them you expect them to act accordingly when the time is up.

Defiant behaviour can occur when kids feel like they are not being heard or their needs/wants are not met. It’s okay for them to learn that they can’t always get what they want, but it needs to be done in a loving way. If you fly into a room and yell that all the toys need to be cleaned up immediately, you likely will be met with defiance because who wants to be interrupted mid playtime!

In my house, it goes something like this:

Me: 2 minutes and then it’s clean up time!

Fournager: 5 more minutes.

Me: Okay, 3 more minutes.

Fournager: Okay!

*3 minutes later*

Me: Okay time to clean up!

Fournager: *lays down on floor and starts whining* Noooo I don’t want to!

Me: Yes we agreed on 3 more minutes, we’ve talked about this before and when we set a time limit and the time is reached you need to get your toys cleaned up.

Fournager: Nooooooooooooo!

Me: God asks us to obey our parents, and our parents are helping to teach us about the fruits of the spirit. Things like kindness and goodness. Are you being kind or good right now?

I think you get where this is going. I wish I could say my son immediately starts picking up his toys and cleans up but there usually is more back and forth between us. The verse reference is Galations 5:22-23 (Fruits of the Spirit) but there are more verses below you can use to talk to your children when they are being defiant!

Bible Verses for Defiant Behaviour

Galations 5:22-23

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

The fruits of the spirit are one of many great Bible verses to pull out when your kids are in the middle of a battle of wills with you. I like to ask my son if he is being loving, joyful, kind, good etc. God tells us these are the fruits we need to cultivate as Christians. It is how God wants us to act and we practice that by doing the things our parents tell us to do.

You don’t have to use the full two verses every time. Once your kids know what you are referring to, you can pull out the ones they need to be practising, be it patience, self-control or kindness!

How to phrase this for kids

God wants us to practice using the fruits of the spirit. Are you being (choose what your child needs to work on) loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, gentle, faithful and/or controlling yourself?

Ecclesiastes 3:1

There is a time for everything.

Sometimes its good to remind your children that there is a time for everything. A time to have fun and a time to do work, a time to clean up and a time to make a mess. It’s okay for them to enjoy themselves but it’s also okay for fun things to end so you can move on to something else.

How to phrase this for kids

I know you were having fun and I am so glad about that, but the Bible says there is a time for everything! A time for fun and a time for cleaning so we need to move on to cleaning now, and we will have fun again another time.

Philippians 1:27

Only let your manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that whether I come and see you or am absent, I may hear of you that you are standing firm in one spirit.

Ask your kids if you told a close friend or family member about their behaviour, what they would have to say about it? What would Jesus say? We should be behaving as if Jesus is in the room with us. He wouldn’t want to see defiant behaviour because it is not how Christians should act towards their parents, especially when being asked to do simple jobs or routines.

We should be living our life in such a way that is worthy of God.

How to phrase this for kids

Let’s pause for a second and think about how we are acting. Would Jesus be happy to hear about how you are screaming/yelling/throwing things/________ etc? It’s okay to be upset about something but let’s use words and actions that would make Jesus happy!

Mark 9:35

He said to them, “If any would be first, he must be last of all and servant of all.”

My son hates this verse with a passion. He is the kind of person who wants to be first for everything. I want him to understand that while it’s okay to be first, sometimes we also need to let other’s go ahead of us, that is how God wants us to treat them.

Jesus modelled this for us when He washed His disciples’ feet. He took on the role of being a servant and honouring them because He loved them. We want our children to do the same, for their siblings and for strangers.

Of course we don’t want our children to give up their spot in line and be last all the time, but seek out situations when it is appropriate to let someone take their place to go first or to enjoy something.

How to phrase this for kids

I know you really want to go first but let’s take care of someone else and have them go first this time, just like Jesus. Then next time you can be first!

Matthew 6:33

But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

Encourage your children to seek God first and walk the path of righteousness, even when it is hard. Why? Because God has amazing things in store for us when we follow His leading and do as He commands. He loves us but part of accepting that love is accepting His commands.

Defiant behaviour can be a normal part of growing up. Encourage your children to seek God so they can learn the appropriate times to “stand up” for themselves and when they should follow instructions1

How to phrase this for kids

Are you seeking God? Are you being kind, patient and loving like He instructed? God has good things for us but we need to do what He instructs first. Let’s follow His commands so we can walk in His goodness!

Teach Your Children with Kindness

It can be hard to remain patient and kind when dealing with the same behaviours over and over again, but let these Bible verses be a reminder for you as well about what we want our children to become. This “testing” phase is a time in their lives that is critical for their development and the way we respond to them dictates how they will respond later on in life when they are met with these feelings again.

If our children learn that their defiant behaviour gets them what they want, they will do it with other authority figures as well.

Children also need to learn why they should listen and obey. It is more than just because they are told to do something but because they are loved by you and their Heavenly Father and you want what is best for them.

Let these Bible verses help guide your parenting and how you respond to your children when they cross their arms and start engaging in defiant behaviour!