Kids cry for a multitude of reasons. Seemingly small things that as an adult we classify as “trivial.” It can be exasperating and comical at the same time.

E is at that stage where he cries about things, random things. He can fall down, scrape his knee and not bat an eye, but tell him it’s time to pee and he has a meltdown. Drives me bananas. When I’m in a good frame of mind I can be patient but there are times when I just want to tell him to grow up.

It can be hard as a parent. Our minds are going a mile a minute and then suddenly something small sets off our tiny human and their world is ending (which means your world also must end). It’s the toddler meltdown, complete with tears and possible screaming. There’s no reasoning with them and unless you can offer them chocolate ice cream, there isn’t any physical thing that will make them stop (and no, you don’t want to offer ice cream for every meltdown). It’s hard to remember that this is a normal part of growing up.

Kids have big emotions. They’re adult sized emotions, sadness, frustration, irritations, confusion etc, just in a small person’s still developing brain. They can’t regulate themselves as adults do and are still learning about how the world works. Crying because they want to go inside but also stay outside, for an adult it seems ridiculous but for them it’s a real issue! And it can be hard to navigate this with little ones.

It’s important to validate their feelings. Kids need to understand how they are feeling and that it’s okay to feel that way. We all get upset, that’s normal, it’s part of being human! Telling kids they can’t be upset about something, is like telling them this really important issue doesn’t matter. For us, with our years of experience tucked under our belt, we know it won’t change the rotation of the earth but kids don’t see it that way. They need these small experiences to learn that.

I often tell E that it’s okay to be mad/sad/frustrated, but that we need to choose a better way to show it. Screaming, yelling, throwing things…isn’t going to change how we feel, in fact it may make things worse. E recognizes when he’s cried about something and tells us after the fact, which is when we usually chat about better ways to express ourselves. I don’t expect him to self regulate at 2 1/2 but I want these open lines of communication so he understands that there are alternative ways to handle situations.

And I want him to know that I still love him. This is extremely important. Kids have meltdowns for various reasons but one main reason is attention seeking. It might have been a busy day running errands, the baby was extra fussy or they’re just tired but they need your undivided attention. You want to avoid negative reinforcement though. Don’t give in to their screams with yelling. Don’t match a toddler meltdown with an adult one. You can have a meltdown later in the bathroom but right now your kid needs you to be patient, calm and loving. Be firm but kind.

It’s hard, I know. I’m not perfect, I’ve been impatient with E, short tempered and while the situations have never escalated I can tell E needed a better response from me in order to fill his love cup. I feel bad about that, and strive to do better but I’m also human and not perfect. So here I am writing a blog post, to remind myself and others that while your kid may be crying about something ridiculous, there are ways to handle the situation to allow for a learning experience and even a bonding experience for you and your child.

So the next time you encounter a meltdown, remind yourself that the kid standing (or laying on the floor screaming) in front of you is not an adult but are experiencing adult emotions. They need you to help them navigate through how they are feeling and understand that while the emotion is acceptable, their behaviour is not. They need your love to fill their cups, not your frustration. And yes your love can be firm but kind. Be patient with them, they’re learning!

And later you can laugh at all the funny moments, that weren’t funny at the time but are now. The tears you wiped away because you don’t serve snacks 45 seconds after a meal. It’s no easy thing raising kids so take it easy, you’re doing the best you can! It’s frustrating and comical but it’s worth it.