Being independent is a big part of growing up. Some of us are more independent than others (I’ll admit I hate asking for help), and some of us are quicker to seek assistance for things. Learning to be independent and how to ask for help are actually two skills that are more closely linked than we might think.

Often when we are doing things independently, we run into problems and need help. Once we ask for help, we are able to go back to doing the activity on our own. And so continues the cycle!

Independence

Helping your child be independent is one of the first things we teach as a parent. How to use a spoon or fork on their own, how to choose a book or activity, how to pick an outfit and so on. Having them be able to do things by themselves is not only good for your child but for you as the parent too! It gives you a break and let’s you get some things done around the house (or just crash on the couch for a few minutes).

Independence Means Asking for Help

Once your kids are independent, you also have to teach them about asking for help. It’s almost guaranteed they are going to run into times when they can’t complete something on their own. The key thing is asking, not demanding help. Babies demand a reaction by crying, it’s what ensures their survival. Toddlers do not need to scream and cry anymore though, there are other forms of communication that work better.

It took E a while to go from the “I can’t do this so I’m having a meltdown” stage to the “I can’t do this, I need help” stage. Naturally, when he got frustrated about something or needed help, he would stamp his feet and whine/cry. I’m sure you can imagine the scene as most kids do it. I would tell him over and over again if he needed something, he had to come get me. And one day, it clicked! He came, took my hand and brought me to where he needed me. My independent little boy had learned how to come for help.

Getting Help Means Independence

What a relief. It made things so much easier when he simply came and indicated he needed help. I came over, helped where it was needed and he could go back to what he was doing before. And ultimately learning to ask for help is learning how to be independent, to go back to doing things on your own.

It’s such an important skill to learn. So often as adults we need help. As I said before, I don’t like asking for help, but I know when I need it. Sometimes it’s advice or to show us how to do something. If we never learn to speak up, we never get that help. And there’s a good chance we won’t be as successful as we could be.

Who To Ask & When to Ask Them

The who part is very important. E doesn’t go over to the dog and ask for his help. And he’s still hesitant about asking daddy (mostly because mama is the one who solves problems, daddy’s job is to be super cool and play crazy games). That’s also part of the learning curve, teaching kids who to ask for help and when to ask them. Asking mum for help when she’s on the toilet or making a meal probably isn’t going to result in anything except a “you’ll have to wait.” It’s okay for kids to hear that too. Unless there is a fire or someone is seriously hurt, kids can wait a minute or two.

This is also important because there are going to be situations when questions are not appropriate. We’ve all been in meetings where someone asks a question that is really more of a personal matter and shouldn’t be explored by the entire group (the right “who” the wrong “when”). Asking for help sometimes means knowing when the right time is to ask. There are times that are going to yield better results. So your child also needs to learn that they can wait until you come.

Of course we want our children to know that they can always ask for help if they need it. Whether it’s from a parent or another trusted members of their community (family members, teachers, police officers, doctors etc). Even if it means waiting a minute or two, help is always available when they need it.

That being said, we don’t want a child who cries wolf. E would come take my hand every 10 minutes if it meant I would pull every toy out of the toy bin so he could touch it. So while I love that he comes to me for help, I put a limit on it. I tell him I will come to the toy bin once, or I will help with something only once. Otherwise he has created a new game where he is no longer being independent and now just needs me.

How We Ask

Finally, how we ask is also important. E is still working on verbalizing what he needs so he has to show me what the problem is. I still encourage him to stay calm if I don’t understand right away. There’s nothing worse than a kid having a freak out because they aren’t immediately getting their expected results. Reminding them how to talk (or behave) will go a long way.

Of course in our house when it’s Roomba who’s gotten stuck on something, E goes into panic mode and runs to us yelling “boomba, boomba!” pointing in the direction of the vacuum. He knows when Roomba is doing something it shouldn’t and is quick to seek help. We do appreciate his reaction though, as Roomba has been known to chew on cords or curtains.

Reacting to Problems

How we react to problems is important. If we panic at everything, people will get annoyed with us. Same with our children, if E panicked at every little thing, like he does with “boomba” I might tear my hair out. Helping them learn when to come running and when to come calmly helps in their reaction to the problem as well. If they learn that most problems can be solved with a little bit of patience, they will have more success in tackling issues.

Teaching the Skill

Teaching kids to be independent also means teaching them how to ask for help. The two go hand in hand. How is this taught? Well as I’ve said, I’ve spent time talking to E about coming to get me when he needs help. But they also learn by observing. They watch your reaction to problems and will mimic your response. So be mindful about what you say or do in a frustrating situation. And don’t be afraid to ask your child for help! I do this all the time with E, ask for help in completing a task. Again modelling the behaviour I want to see!

Parenting is hard. Every kid is different. Some will be more independent and never want help, while others will seem to need help with everything they attempt. They will have days when they always need you and days when they conquer the world. It can be a hard balancing act but it’s worth it. Be patient with them and with yourself. There will be plenty of learning opportunities and as they navigate each one they will become better at it. Remember, you got this!